An interesting question to consider, and quite relevant to all of us who grew up with siblings where feelings of favoritism may have contributed to insecurity, depression, and other emotional challenges in adulthood.
Karl Pillemer, a Cornell University gerontologist, reports that "it doesn't matter whether you are the chosen child or not, the perception of unequal treatment has damaging effects for all siblings."
Pillemer surveyed 275 Boston-area moms in their 60s and 70s. To measure favoritism, the moms where asked the following questions:
To which child in your family do you feel the most emotional closeness?
If you became ill or disabled and needed help on a day-to-day basis, which child in your family would be most likely to help you?
With which child do you have the most disagreements or arguments?
Though Pillemer wasn't able to distill any concrete rules from survey results, he noted that "parents tend to prefer oldest or youngest children, and they gravitate toward those children who are more similar to them in personal characteristics and values."
He also noted that "being the favorite child has some serious drawbacks. The favored child can feel guilty, and he or she can experience negative relationships with the other siblings, who may be resentful. With older parents, favored children may be expected to provide more care and assistance for the parent, leading to stress."
As for me, I find it difficult to discern between the amount of love that I feel for our boys and which of them I favor. At 3 and 5 years of age, it seems natural that my love for them directly translates to how much I enjoy them, so I can honestly observe that I don't favor one over the other.
When I look at our older boy, I often think that I love him more than anything in this world. But in the same minute, if our youngest comes trotting along, I often look at him and feel the exact same thing, that I love him more than anything else in this world.
When our youngest was born, I distinctly remember feeling like all of the worries and feelings of wanting to protect that I carried for our firstborn were split into two perfectly equal halves, with each boy now occupying one half of the papa bear in my heart. And I guess things haven't changed since that moment.
But I can definitely see how my relationships with Joshua and Noah may differ as they grow older. Life circumstances and individual interests may lead to my wife and me spending more time with one than the other. I hope this isn't the case. I hope that when they become independent adults, they eventually settle down wherever we are, if not under the same roof as one big clan, then on the same street, or at least in the same neighborhood.
As a son, I feel that my parents love me and my sisters equally. But I also feel that both my mom and dad favor me over my sisters. Part of this may be a Korean cultural thing, where parents from previous generations counted on the oldest or only son to care for them in their golden years. And part of it could be because I've done more than my sisters to help my parents become financially comfortable over the years. Not making any claims of being more capable or generous than my sisters; if anything, I feel that both of them have been years more mature than me since we were youngsters. It's just turned out that I've helped them more than my sisters have, and I do feel that this has translated to my folks feeling like they can rely on me a little more.
I also tend to be more emotionally open with my parents than my sisters are. It's natural for me to want to keep in regular touch with my folks and share my ups and downs with them. Both of my sisters, while caring and ultra responsible, are more comfortable guarding the secrets of their hearts from those who find it natural to dispense all sorts of advice.
Of course, the natural flip side to being close to anyone is greater opportunity to disagree on various life issues. But as a wise elder once told me, "only good friends fight." And I do believe that all in all, our disagreements have led to greater understanding and have brought my folks and I closer.
So as far as me feeling favored over my sisters goes, I feel that the law of "you get what you put in" applies. It's as solid and natural a law of life as any.
And how do I know that despite favoring me slightly over my sisters, my parents love the three of us equally? Just from a billion little things, like how my mom clearly forgets that I exist every six months when my older sister is able to get together with us for a couple of hours. Or whenever my mom jokingly reminds the three of us that we should expect to receive equal shares in their will (I'll be getting my vita-mix blender back). There's truth in jest, and as a human that bleeds like the next fellow, I have to admit that I've felt a twinge of incredulity when given such reminders, with the following dialogue running through my head:
I've sacrificed infinitely more than my sisters to be a dutiful son, and in the end, you want to take the little that you have and split it equally? Hey, it's not about the money, it's about wanting my efforts to be acknowledged. How about slapping me silly to get the taste of foolishness out of my mouth?
But then, I remember that it will be the exact same with our boys. Whatever I have, no matter how close I am with each of them, I will want them to share equally. Because I know with absolute certainty that my love for them will always be equal, even if one ends up disliking me.
And whenever I see that both of my sisters, though not so affectionate with me due to the Korean cultural thing (again), would give a pair of kidneys and then some for Joshua and Noah, their beloved nephews, I'm okay with getting nothing but my vita-mix blender back.
That, Yoo Jin, is my long-winded answer. :)
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